CW: This blog contains descriptions of online-based sexual abuse relating to sexting, dating apps and other online activity.
From sliding into someone’s DMs to that dopamine hit from receiving that much anticipated message, it’s clear to say that many of us, especially young people, are connecting in the digital space on a scale like never before. In fact, research suggests that 51% of 13- and 14-year old teens have met a friend online, a number which increases to 60% by the age of 17. Whether through video games, social media and online communication networks, young people are finding it perpetually easier to connect with people – and lots of them – with a click.
This is just the tip of the iceberg: navigating digital dating, or sexual online relationships, can be even more complicated. It can also raise questions about consent. If you’re a young person and you’re struggling to figure out digital dating (don’t worry, we all are), you’ve come to the right place.
CHATTING ONLINE
Growing up in the digital space has made us young people and Zoomers the professionals in meeting and socialising with other people over the internet. All any of us ever need to single handedly spark a conversation is an Instagram handle, Snapchat name or (if you’re old fashioned) a mobile number (keep in mind: dating apps strictly require all users to be over 18). Search someone up on Facebook and … not only can we know someone’s birthday and who their ex from 2019 is, but Messenger offers a new message pathway without needing any mobile number or username. It’s a no-brainer: if it’s this easy to chat online, why wouldn’t we?!
However, it is important to reiterate that consent still needs to be received and given in conversations occurring in digital spaces, always keeping in mind your own and other’s boundaries. Remember, chatting online makes it difficult to read body language, social cues and tone of voice, no matter how well we think we know the person. Asking for consent is a crucial step in establishing and creating a pathway for respectful relationships online, where everyone feels empowered by their choices while allowing others to have a voice as well.
When chatting online …
DO:
- Feel empowered to engage in conversations while trusting your instincts. Remember, if something feels wrong, it probably is. It’s also important you are fully aware of who you are talking to; don’t rush into a new relationship, tighten your privacy settings on who has the ability to message/call you and limit private information you share.
- Ask for consent, as well as reassurance when you need it. It’s OK to be direct with what you want, but always keep in mind the other person’s right to space and personal boundaries regardless of your own wants and desires. Show patience and understanding at all times during the process.
- Enjoy all positive experiences of chatting online! If you have successfully established with certainty the other person’s intentions and identity, as well as your own boundaries, then feel free to have fun. Communicate your thoughts and feelings while listening to the other person’s, therefore creating a space for open feedback.
DON’T:
- Pressure anyone into participating in activities or behaving in a certain manner that they are not comfortable with. Remember consent is enthusiastic, reversible and freely given. When in doubt, ask!
- Assume you know the other person on the other side of the screen. It’s easy for people to pretend to be anyone online, so make sure you keep your privacy settings secure and take time to get to know the other person before making the move to meet them in person.
SEXTING
Sexting is one of, if not the most, prevalent ways young people engage in intimacy online. If you’re over 18, sexting legally requires enthusiastic consent from all parties involved prior to the sending of material. If you’re under 18, remember that the creation, transmission and possession of sexually explicit material with an adult, coercion present and any other criminal act is illegal under to Victorian law.
If you’re over 18 and sexting …
DO:
- Give and receive consent before participating in sexting. Although your mode of communication may not be in-person, consent is always necessary with any sexual activity – even if you’ve asked before.
- Keep all sexual images and material private. This is to protect you as well as others, always remembering that personal space needs to be respected at all times. If any explicit images are leaked online or you need further support, please contact the e-safety commissioner.
- Understand that grooming and catfishing are the most rapidly increasing cyber crimes in the world. By practising consensual sexting, you are modelling and supporting positive sexual relationship habits and intimacy with respect and integrity.
- Understand that anything distributed and saved on any digital platform can have lasting consequences. It is nearly impossible to erase content completely off the internet, so it’s important to set boundaries and have confidence in trusting your partner.
DON’T:
- Force anyone into sending sexual images and videos that they do not feel comfortable with.
- Distribute sexts without the other person’s permission or threaten to distribute sexts. This is a criminal offence with the maximum penalty being imprisonment.
DATING APPS:
Dating apps are without a doubt the most popular way to romantically connect with people. In fact, over 3 million people in Australia are currently using dating apps to find love. If you’re over 18, dating app use can be an easy, accessible and even fun way to learn more about yourself and experiment with new people you would not have otherwise. However, dating apps also have a darker side that can be detrimental to our wellbeing and safety.
If you’re over 18 and on dating apps …
DO:
- Be careful about what personal information and images you share on your dating profile. The Australian Government’s Department of Social Services found in September 2023 that three in four people using dating apps have experienced sexual violence, including harassment, abusive/threatening language, image-based sexual abuse and stalking. Block suspicious users and report any misconduct at any time.
- Ensure you video-chat before meeting up in person. This allows you to put a real person to their profile. Tell a friend you’re going on a date with a match, ask for them to check in on you and always meet in a public place to remain safe.
- Trust your instincts. It can be difficult to read and interpret someone’s online profile and persona so look for the red flags (such as being asked for financial help, requests for photos and sending threatening messages). Don’t assume you know the person or their intentions prior to meeting up in person.
- Communicate about boundaries and consent.
DON’T:
- Tolerate intimidating behaviour. Everyone has a right to feel safe when dating both in-person and online. Once again, report and block anyone displaying suspicious or threatening activity.
- Connect with suspicious-looking profiles. Disturbing statistics reveal that dating apps account for 40% of catfishing. Consider the images they have uploaded. Do they look overly edited? If so, it might be a fake profile. Also consider if they have linked their social media and how many pictures they have.
The digital world is a completely new frontier for connecting with new people. It can be fun, eye-opening and an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Establishing a healthy pathway of communication is necessary to make sure everyone is informed, understanding of boundaries and on the same page. Show patience, respect and don’t be afraid to voice your concerns and needs. Remember, digital consent is just as important as real-life consent at all times.
If you have been in a certain situation, feel like your rights have been violated online or need additional support, the following resources are available: